I die with hope for the world
by Jeannie-Mckay
Summary: This is my small collection of Remus Lupin's last letters.
1. Chapter 1

Title: I die with hope for the world

Author: JeannieMcKay

Rating: T for language later on

Summary: These are my collection of Remus Lupin's last letters. I wrote these for a role-play site and felt that I should put them up here, they are basically letters to those that meant the most to Remus before he left to fight in the second war.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter, they are all owned by J.K. Rowling

A/N: Please let me know what you think, when I wrote these they acted as a bit of a catharsis for me because I could finally get Remus' grief out of my system. He loved every single one of these people he wrote to and I really hope you...well, I suppose enjoy is the wrong word to use. I hope you like them.

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Dear Harry,

I know there's a chance you might not receive this letter, after all you are fighting this battle along with the rest of us, but I can assure that I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that you are kept alive. You are The Boy That Lived and you shall remain so, because you are so important to this world, Harry. Never forget that.

I've watched you grow for the past few years, and it breaks my heart that I missed most of your life. It's my fault for never working harder to find you, I was your 'uncle' and I should have been there for you. When your parents died I wasn't sure what I was going to do, they were my world. I can remember seeing you for the first time, you were only a few hours old, James had told us that Lily had given birth and like a shot Sirius, Peter and I were hurrying towards St. Mungo's. When I held you it felt as if the world was finally heading in the right direction, your mother and father were beaming and the three of us could barely believe our eyes. Of course, the second you were in my arms you were screaming your head off, then it was Sirius' turn and you quietened down, you threw your arms up towards him, grabbing his nose and pulling like it was a toy. It was hilarious, his nose was the same colour as the Gryffindor curtains by the time we'd prised you off him. Peter held you after. I beg you, don't hate him. I know what he did was terrible…no, that's the wrong word. It was heinous, but he was never as strong as James or Sirius in that respect. He made a bad choice, got caught up with people he shouldn't have and I blame myself for that. If I hadn't spent all that time feeling sorry for myself then maybe I would have noticed how he'd changed, I could have helped him through this and then your parents might well have still been alive. I failed him, your parents and most importantly, you.

I'm sure at this part of the letter you're shaking your head, maybe even scoffing just like your father used to, but I need you to understand that I don't hate Peter. He was my best friend at Hogwarts, even closer to me than James or Sirius were. We were inseparable. I had no idea it was he who'd betrayed them, at first, just like the rest of the world I thought it was Sirius. I thought he'd betrayed James and Lily before killing Peter, and when he was taken away to Azkaban I was left alone. My friends were either dead or imprisoned, I'd lost so many people during the war, many of whom you won't have heard of, that I let myself disappear into oblivion. At times I thought maybe I should talk to Dumbledore, to try and set up a way I could visit you but then I'd remember your eyes…Lily's eyes and I just couldn't do it. A while ago you called me a coward and I suppose you're right, if I'd been braver maybe you could have grown up with a closer connection to your parents, maybe I could have helped you during your stay with those Dursleys.

I will always regret my fear, but I'm so happy I got to meet you during your third year. The second I saw you in that train compartment I felt a rush of love, I wanted to be your second favourite uncle once again but I knew that was impossible. I'd wasted too long worrying about my life that any deep connection that I'd once had with you would take time to develop. Therefore, I watched from a far, always impressed by your powers and your maturity. So much had happened to you, and I'll admit that one of the reasons I applied for the job was to take care of you. I'd heard about the Chamber of Secrets incident and I wanted to be there to make sure you were safe, even if I couldn't be your guardian in the parental aspect I wanted to protect you from the world which was still throwing destruction at you.

You will be, no, you are a great wizard, Harry. Your parents would have been so proud of you, in fact I'm sure they are. They're probably looking down on you with smiles on their faces, Lily happy that you've made something with your life, James happy that you're a brilliant Quidditch player and that you've got his hair. He was always too proud of his hair, as you've already seen when you made the mistake of dipping into Snape's pensieve he was constantly ruffling it. At times it could be endearing but for the most part we wanted to chop his hands off. I'm sorry that you never got to know them, and I know they were upset at the thought that you would grow up with no parents. I failed them because they expected either me, Sirius or Peter to look after you in some respect, I let you slip through my fingers and have only recently been able to make up for that.

This final battle is going to claim many lives, Harry. I'm sure you are already aware this, but I trust you as a leader for us. The Order will follow you to the end, as long as you survive then my death will be worth it. Yes, I do not want to die, not now I have Teddy but if I want him to grow up in a world where there is no fear, no constant threat of death just because you do not conform to the standards required by the Death Eaters, then sacrifices must be made. I hope that he will grow up to know that I loved him, I wanted the best for him and that is why I'm going to fight. Please, Harry, tell him about me, tell him the truth not a glorified lie about how I was a brilliant father. You know the truth, I was so terrified that I'd fail both him and Nymphadora that I ran away, if it wasn't for you I would have never known my son. You're his godfather, and I pray that you'll look after both him and Tonks, she'll grieve at first but she's still young, she can find love again and find Teddy a better father than I could ever be.

If I do die then at least I will be with my friends once again, I know that must sound selfish but my heart has been in pieces since their deaths. You now understand what it was like during those days, the Prophet full of names, the lists of the dead and missing growing with every issue and when I left Hogwarts I watched as one by one the people I cared most about were taken from me. Dorcas Meadows, I think Moody showed you her in a picture, was one of my best friends at school and when we lost her it was like a shard of ice pierced my heart. Fabian and Gideon went soon after, two of the bravest men I've ever met. They were so similar to their nephews, Fred and George, both sets of twins complete trouble-makers. I could go on and list more but the two that really broke my heart were your parents, I heard the news of their death and I'm afraid that I went off the rails. Your mother left me a letter telling me not to blame myself but of course I did, so for these many years I've been damaged. Tonks helped to piece me back together but I was never good enough for her.

I shall end this letter simply by saying that over these years I've known you, you've become like a son to me, Harry. I've watched over you and I couldn't be prouder of how you've turned out, you've grown into a strong leader, a compassionate man and someone who will help to lead the world to a better life. I'm sorry I won't be there to see this new world, and I hope you know how much I value our friendship.

Thank-you for making me realise how important my family is, and for getting me back on the right truly are your parent's son.

Yours,

Remus


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Teddy,

I can't believe I'm even sitting down to write this letter, it's so hard to do this but I know I must, otherwise you may never know my true reasons for doing this. As clichéd as this sounds I'm fighting for you, so that you can have a better life than I did and so that you can grow up without the fear of death and destruction. This world has been in disarray for so long, ever since I was a teenager, and this may well be the only chance to end it. This is why I'm leaving you and your mother, if there was another way then I'd stay with you both forever but I know there isn't. If I don't fight then that's one less soldier, one less person to stand against the Dark Lord and that might cost another life.

You and your mother are the most important people in my life, I love you both more than either of you will ever know and I want this letter to show you that. I'm not the best father in the world, and I suppose now I may never get the chance to improve on this. Merlin, there's so much I wanted to do with you. I was going to teach you to read, get you into Muggle books I used to read with a wonderful woman at Hogwarts. We were going to go to the park every week and feed the ducks. I was going to show you the photos of my school days so that you could laugh and tell me what an idiot I looked like. I was going to wave you off when you got on the train to got to Hogwarts. I was going to be crying like a baby when you graduated. I was going to be sat in the front pew at your wedding. I'm sorry that I'll never be able to do these things now…you have no idea how sorry.

You're still a baby when I'm writing this, in fact you're fast asleep in your crib and I can't believe that I'll never watch you grow up. Right now you look so sweet, innocent, beautiful. This may be the last time I see you and it's so difficult to comprehend that you might never see me again. You'll never know your father…but you'll have your mother. She'll look after you, just as you must look after her. She'll need you more than ever once I'm gone, so be strong. I know you're only a child, and won't get this letter for many years but even when you do eventually read this she'll need you, even if it's just to help her move on. Make sure she does move on. She's so young, and you both deserve someone to care for you, to look after you.

I don't want you to have an idolised image of me, after all I'm just a man. I want you to understand the real me, the man your father really was. When I was at Hogwarts I was part of a group called the Marauders, no doubt when you get to school you'll hear about us. I hope you'll be proud of the trouble we caused, we were the best pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen. Now, whilst I don't suggest you follow in our footsteps I hope you'll enjoy school as much as I did. I made friends with the right people, that school will become your entire life for those seven years you're there, so son, make them count for something. I wish I could be there to help you with your school work, calm you down about exams…just to watch you make friends. You're already becoming a 'people person', every time me or your mother take you to the park you're crawling towards the other children, making them play with you.

Your godfather, Harry, will make sure you're safe. He's the son of one of my greatest friends and he's one of the greatest wizards I know. Learn from him, Teddy, let him be your guardian and your beacon during those dark times when the whole world seems to have turned against you. I have faith that you'll be a brilliant wizard as well, with your mother's talent and instruction from Harry you'll be fantastic. Just remember that I'll always be proud of you no matter what. You're my son, always will be, and I will love you even after I've gone.

I hope that when you've grown up you'll understand why I'm leaving, I beg of you not to hate me for it. I'm fighting so that you can go on living. You are my strength, without you and your mother I would have fallen long ago. Seeing you when you had just been born, holding you for that first time was the most perfect moment of my life. I suddenly knew that my life was complete, you were so beautiful. I will never forget that moment and the thought of you will give me the strength I need to go into battle. The knowledge that you will be safe at last is all that I want.

There are some pictures and some things of mine in the top drawer of my old desk, no doubt your mother will find them but when you get this letter I want you to know that they're for you. I may not be there to go through the photographs and be embarrassed by my lack of style, but I want you to laugh at them when you're older. Don't mourn for me, just look at them and think of me occasionally. See me smiling, laughing, holding you when you were just a baby, on my wedding day. I know you may have no memories of me, but this way you have something of me to hold on to. Just remember that I love you, more than anything in this entire world. You are my son and you have no idea how proud it makes me to say that. I never thought I'd have children and now here you are, the most perfect person in the entire world, sleeping peacefully in your crib. You'll grow up to be a great man and I hope you find love, the love that your mother and I share.

I suppose that is all I can say, I wish I could be here for longer but if I stay watching you then I will never want to leave. I hope that you won't hate me for what I'm about to do, but if you do then I understand. But remember that I haven't left you on your own, you've got family everywhere even if they're not blood related. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Molly, Arthur, Bill, Fleur, your mother, your grandmother and there are more. You will be loved forever, Teddy. I can assure you of that.

Just remember this, my son, I love you and I couldn't be prouder to have you as my son. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there for longer.

Your ever loving father,

Remus


	3. Chapter 3

My dearest Nymphadora,

Yes, I know straight away you'll hate this letter because I've used your first name but it just didn't seem right to start this with anything else. After all you will always be the love of my life, the most beautiful, perfect and wonderful woman I've ever met. You shouldn't have ended up with me, I was never good enough for you but I've never been as happy as the day you accepted my proposal. You and Teddy mean the world to me, without you I do not know what I would have done, you've both made my life complete and that is why I must leave you both now. As you're reading this I shall be gone, I can't leave them to fight alone no matter how often you beg me to stay. You know I would do anything for you, I'd climb the highest mountain, run around the world anything to make you happy but I can't just sit here whilst they try to bring this war to an end. I didn't do that the first time around, and now I am going probably to my death to ensure that you and Teddy have a good life free from the Death Eaters.

I've already written Teddy's letter, trying to tell him what his father was like but please make sure that you and Harry tell him the truth about me. I wasn't perfect, far from it but I love you both so much. That is why you have to stay, that is why I didn't tell you I was going because I know that if you find out that I've left you'll only want to come too. I don't know what I would do if you were killed…I know I wouldn't be able to cope, I couldn't go on living properly. But you…you can do so much with your life, you're still young. You can find someone else, someone better and raise Teddy with a man who will be a better father than I have been. I love you, I really do and that is why I want you to find happiness, true happiness with someone who's young and whole.

You've made me the happiest man in the world during our relationship, I will never forget seeing you walk down that aisle, for that moment nothing else mattered, it was just you and me. I know I should have told you this every day, told you how without you my life would be nothing but I was too scared, too worried that if I told you this you wouldn't be able to move on when I left. I don't want to die, I want to be there for you and our son but I can't. I know I'm going to die when I leave this house, but if this war ends now and the Dark Lord is defeated then my death will be worth it. I shall die happy in the knowledge that the world will be safe once again, that you can take Teddy out without the fear that you'll be attacked. Just the thought that you'll see him off to Hogwarts one day is enough to sustain me, the idea that you'll be there for his wedding fussing over the state of his suit and fighting with him over his song choices, it makes me smile.

Merlin, I don't know how to write this letter, a part of me can't believe I'm doing this. I should be here for you both, providing for you and being the husband and father I should be but you know me, I've taught so many of these people who are now running off to fight and I can't watch them do it alone. I've survived one war and, yes, there's a possibility that I'll survive this one as well but I'm writing these letters just in case. I want you to know that I've done the providing, I've been putting money away for the past couple of months and whilst it's not a huge amount I hope it'll be enough. I was prepared for the day when I'd have to leave you both, after all this war is claiming so many lives but it doesn't make it any easier.

I'm truly sorry for running away when you were pregnant, I was just so scared that Teddy would turn out like me, that I'd pass this wretched curse on to him and he'd be forced to defend himself against the prejudice that I've had. I felt like I'd failed you both, for being the way I am and I thought that the best way to ensure you were both safe was to disappear. I know now that that was a stupid thing to do, Harry showed me what a coward I was being and I'm glad I did come back. I don't know how you managed to forgive me, but if I hadn't have been there I'd never have been able to hold Teddy and to see what a brilliant mother you are. You really are a natural at this, despite your belief that you'd drop him on his head at the first moment. You are clumsy, darling, but not that bad. You have natural instincts for motherhood, and just watching the two of you made me realise just how much I love you both.

This is getting harder with every word I write, I'm sat here watching over Teddy whilst you're out with your mother. I want to finish this and leave before you get back, because if I see you I know I won't have to the strength to leave. If I see you, if I kiss you good-bye my heart will break. But the problem with that is that I want to see you one last time, kiss your lips and hold you close. I never thought I could love someone this much, but when I hold you I feel as if I could face the world. There's nothing that could hurt me when you're next to me. You've made a new man out of me, a better man and you've shown me the wonders of fatherhood. Without you I would have fallen apart when Sirius died, I couldn't handle losing him again but you were there for me and that first kiss was magical. It felt so right, it still feels right, and I hope you can find someone who makes you feel the same way. I want him to be intelligent, kind…okay, well in all honesty I don't want anyone else to hold you, or lie next to you but I do want you to be happy. Just because I'm gone does not mean that you should be lonely for the rest of your life.

You truly are a remarkable woman Nymphadora Lupin (you have no idea how wonderful it is to call you that!), and remember that you have friends all around you who'll be there for you when I'm not. You won't be left alone, so please let them in and let them help. I know it'll be hard when I'm not there anymore but Teddy needs you now. He'll grow up without a father, but he'll need his mother. So please, I'm begging you, don't follow me to battle. You are too young to die, your whole life is waiting for you to live it and you could do so much with it. I want to see you getting promotions, and just being happy. That's all I want, is for you to smile, because I love your smile. It's beautiful, as are you, sweetheart.

I'm going to stop writing now, because the more I write the more I want to stay. Please don't hate me for leaving and please don't follow me. I'm leaving and hoping that my death will result in a better world for you and our son, because you both deserve it. Just like you both deserve a better man than I. I was never going to be a brilliant husband, I was always too worried you'd wake up and realise what you'd married and leave me. I tried not to push you away but I know I did at times, especially around my transformations but that was only because I'd have dreams where I'd break out of my cage and attack either you or Teddy. They terrified me and therefore I wanted to ensure that you were both protected as fully as possible.

I love you. So much. So much that it actually hurts to think that this may be the last contact I have with you, but I've got to do this. Good-bye my beautiful, wonderful, talented and perfect wife. I shall always love you, your name is written on my heart for all eternity and I shall see you again in whatever afterlife is awaiting us. I'll miss you but please, be happy. Make a new life for yourself and Teddy and make it brilliant.

Yours forever and always,

Remus


	4. Chapter 4

Peter,

I don't know why I'm writing this letter. I know you're...dead. I suppose I just want to put all my feelings and emotions down on paper so that I don't have to worry about them when I leave. I'm going to fight Peter, I'm going to take down as many of those Death Eaters as possible and I'm doing it for you. For you, James, Lily, Sirius, my wife and my son. I know you turned from us, decided that your loyalties lay with the Dark Lord but that doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you. Back at school words like that would have had you calling me a huge poof, but it's true. You were my best friend, someone I could talk to about anything, someone I trusted implicitly and you betrayed that. You were the traitor, sent Lily and James to their deaths when they had a child! A child, Peter! One that you held when he was only a few hours old. How could you do that?

I don't know whether you thought that you were safer working for him, I simply refuse to believe that you agreed with his ideas and methods. That's not you, Peter. You aren't weren't prejudiced, and I know this because even when you found out what I was you didn't run in fear. You stayed by me, protected me from myself and did everything in your power to help me. So what happened? Merlin, I wish I knew why you left us, because it's tearing me up inside! I can't help but worry that I pushed you there, and I know that's terrible self-important but what if I did?! Did we push you into joining the Order when you'd have rather been neutral? If Cass hadn't called that meeting back in seventh year, would you have stayed true to us?

On that day, the day that's etched into my memory, I came back to the flat to tell you what had happened. All the anger that had overwhelmed me the night before had disappeared, I was in shock and hurting like never before. When you left, I thought you'd be back...I thought we could support one another, but you never came back. Later, I learnt that you'd been 'killed'...by Sirius. Do you have any idea what that did to me? I'd just heard that two of my best friends had been killed, Harry had been taken away for protection and then you were 'murdered' and Sirius was taken to prison. I lost you all, every single one of you all at once. I had no time to adjust. I had to attend three funerals, stare at three coffins, lay flowers on each of your graves, cry in the dark flat every night when I realised none of you were going to walk through the front door and complain about the state of it. The first time I came back into the flat after you had disappeared, I went into the kitchen and for a second I thought I heard the door going. I shouted your name, expecting you to tell me to piss off because you hadn't got the groceries yet. Instead of that I received silence. And it's all your bloody fault!

You are a shit, Peter Pettigrew. I want to hate you so badly, have done for four years when I saw you again. You made me believe one of my best friends was a murderer, that he was the traitor. You tore me into pieces, Peter, and only recently has anyone been able to put me back together. When Harry mentioned he saw you on the map I thought he was mad, I thought this whole situation with Sirius had caused him to lose the plot but he was right. And then I saw you on there, my heart stopped, I couldn't understand it. If you were alive, why hadn't you gotten in contact with me? Why had you made people believe you were dead? Then all the pieces began to fall into place, my friend, you had been the one to betray our two greatest friends. You had killed them as surely as if you had uttered that spell yourself.

I shall never forgive you for that, but I do forgive you for losing your way. I forgive you for placing the blame on Sirius and faking your death, and I forgive you for leaving me. You are were a good person, Peter, one of the best friends I ever had, one of the best people I ever knew but you made mistakes. That I accept, because I've made them to. Made many after you all left. Do you know what I did, Peter? I took pills, lots of them, and just lay on my bed waiting for it all to end. I couldn't cope with the pain of knowing that none of you were coming back, I wanted my heart to stop aching, for the break to heal. Yes, my heart did break that day, into four parts. The only reason I'm still here is because Arthur found me. He'd noticed my mood and came round with some of Molly's famous chicken stew, you know the one that always made you lick the bowl afterwards, and he saved me. I resented him for a long time because of that, but if he hadn't have done that I would have died without knowing my son, without knowing Tonks.

It wasn't just you that drove me to that point, it was the damn war that did it. But I had to leave that place, I couldn't stay there with the memories. I just wish you'd let me know you were okay. Actually, no, I wish you hadn't sold James and Lily to 'him'. If you hadn't wanted to protect your own skin, if you'd thought about the rest of us then maybe, just maybe, everything would have worked out!

I miss you. A lot. When Teddy was born I found myself wishing you were there to share in the moment with me, to hold my son and tell me you'd be his godfather. You would love him, he's just as mischievous as we were. He climbs into everything he possibly can and already has the makings of a sweet tooth. A chip off the old block. He would have loved you too, you could have taught him so much. Why did you give up this future? You could have had anything you wanted, you could have been anything. And you chose them, over us. You chose death and violence over the people who loved you like a brother. If you'd have told us what you were doing, had gotten cold feet, we would have forgiven you. Sure, James and Sirius would probably have shouted and screamed, maybe even hit you but in the end we would still be there for you.

I just don't understand why you would give us up. I'm sure it wasn't out of hatred, because after living with you for all that time I know you did 'love' us. I can only think that it was self-preservation. It doesn't seem to have done you much good now, and I will miss you forever. I'll miss our pillow fights in the early hours of the morning, the attempts at cooking in the kitchen, putting dye in Sirius' hair gel. I can't believe I've lost you twice, but unlike Padfoot I didn't get a chance to get to know you again. You were lost to me the minute you gave away that information.

I love you, Wormtail. You will always be my best friend, no matter what you did and I will destroy these Death Eaters for you.

Yours,

Moony


End file.
